Lost

Day 5: Your worst moment

I have written about my worst moment in my journals. I have talked about it with my friends and even some teachers but I can never bring myself to type it. The keys of my keyboard seem so untrustworthy and the internet a predator. I have written bits and pieces of that miserable day, week, month, and year. But I have never dared to write a complete story and put it on cyberspace.


During my worst moments I felt lost. I felt like life was not worth living (and yes that was stupid). I felt like no one knew what it felt like to feel like a piece of garbage. I was selfish and so self focused that I lost sight of everything else. I never thought I could be happy. Each day dragged on. It all seemed unbearable. Living. Waking up. Doing the same thing over and over and over and feeling invisible. No one knew what was happening in my head and my heart. No one knew. I think that was my number one mistake.


If you must know there was a time in my life where I attempted suicide.

I regret it and at the same time I don't.

Because well  had I not been in that vulnerable, stupid, and drug induced mind then maybe I would not be where I am today. Wanting to do and doing all the things that I am today. Perhaps I would have never been to Malawi or Yale or the U of Chicago or Pennsylvania, or New York or Massachusetts or Honduras. I would not have seen these places and meet amazing people and go on crazy adventures. Maybe I wouldn't have the most caring and supportive  friends I have today. Maybe there wouldn't be an adult I could too about all the things that happen.

I definitely do not support suicide or attempts of suicide or anything like that. Don't get me wrong. I am just saying that if taking away that part of my life meant rewriting my life then I would rather go through it. I suffered a lot. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I was a wreck. And so I urge you to always talk to someone. Because you alone cannot solve all your problems. You can try but the world is too large and you are growing and learning. Allow people to help.